Habit 4, Think Win-Win, Five Dimensions of Win/Win (Part II)

Character (three character traits: Integrity, Maturity, Abundance Mentality, continued):

INTEGRITY was covered in last week’s post.

Author’s quotes:

“MATURITY. Maturity is the balance between courage and consideration. If a person can express his feelings and convictions with courage balanced with consideration for the feelings and convictions of another person, he is mature, particularly if the issue is very important to both parties.

Respect for this quality is deeply ingrained in the theory of human interaction, management, and leadership. It is a deep embodiment of the P/PC balance. While courage may focus on getting the golden egg, consideration deals with the long-term welfare of the other stakeholders. The basic task of leadership is to increase the standard of living and the quality of life for all stakeholders.

Many people think in dichotomies, in either/or terms. They think if you’re nice, you’re not tough. But Win/Win is nice…and tough. It’s twice as tough as Win/Lose. To go for Win/Win, you not only have to be nice, you have to be courageous. You not only have to be empathic, you have to be confident. You not only have to be considerate and sensitive, you have to be brave. To do that, to achieve that balance between courage and consideration, is the essence of real maturity and is fundamental to Win/Win.

If I’m high on courage and low on consideration, how will I think? Win/Lose. I’ll be strong and ego bound. I’ll have the courage of my convictions, but I won’t be very considerate of yours.

To compensate for my lack of internal maturity and emotional strength, I might borrow strength from my position and power, or from my credentials, my seniority, my affiliations.

If I’m high on consideration and low on courage, I’ll think Lose/Win. I’ll be so considerate of your convictions and desires that I won’t have the courage to express and actualize my own.

High courage and consideration are both essential to Win/Win. It is the balance that is the mark of real maturity. If I have it, I can listen, I can empathically understand, but I can also courageously confront.”

Personal comments related to:

“The basic task of leadership….” Increasing employees standard of living, and quality of life is Win/Win since it likely will increase trust, communication, job satisfaction, productivity, courage, consideration, creativity,……

“To compensate for my lack of internal maturity….” Giving someone a title can impact the way interact with others. Again, I’ll tell the story of an individual who met with me to tell me how bad their boss was, detailing behavior that was unacceptable. Not long after, this person’s boss was moved to a new job, and the complaining individual was elevated to manager of that group. Unfortunately, since it was the only management style she knew, she proceeded to use the same “style” of management, with the same results. Learning appropriate leadership skills takes desire to be taught them, and the will and commitment to apply them.

“High courage and consideration…..” It doesn’t take long to determine if an individual thinks Win/Win when you listen carefully to the words spoken, the tone in which they are delivered, and observe body language.

Next: Habit 4
Think Win-Win
Five Dimensions of Win/Win (Part III)

Habit 4, Think Win-Win, Five Dimensions of Win/Win (Part I)

Author’s quotes:

“Think Win/Win is the habit of interpersonal leadership. It involves the exercise of each of the unique human endowments—self-awareness, imagination, conscience, and independent will—in our relationships with others. It involves mutual learning, mutual influence, mutual benefits.

It takes great courage as well as consideration to create these mutual benefits, particularly if we’re interacting with others who are deeply scripted in Win/Lose.

That is why this habit involves principles of interpersonal leadership. Effective interpersonal leadership requires the vision, the proactive initiative and the security, guidance, wisdom and power that come from principle-centered leadership.

The principle of Win/Win is fundamental to success in all our interactions, and it embraces five interdependent dimensions of life. It begins with CHARACTER and moves toward RELATIONSHIPS, out of which flow AGREEMENTS. It is nurtured in an environment were STRUCTURE and SYSTEMS are based on Win/Win. And it involves PROCESS; we cannot achieve Win/Win ends with Win/Lose or Lose/Win means.

The following pattern shows how these five dimensions relate to each other:

1>>>>>>>                                        2>>>>>>>>                                           3
Win/Win                                  Win/Win                                          Win/Win
CHARACTER builds to:         RELATIONSHIPS builds to:           AGREEMENTS

And must include>>>> SUPPORTIVE SYSTEMS (4) and PROCESSES(5)

Now let’s consider each of the five dimensions in turn.


Character is the foundation of Win/Win, and everything else builds on that foundation. There are three character traits (Integrity, Maturity, and Abundance Mentality) essential to the Win/Win paradigm.

INTEGRITY. We’ve already defined integrity as the value we place on ourselves. Habits 1, 2, and 3 help us develop and maintain integrity. As we clearly identify our values and proactively organize and execute around those values on a daily basis, we develop self-awareness and independent will by making and keeping meaningful promises and commitments.

There’s no way to go for a Win in our own lives if we don’t even know, in a deep sense, what constitutes a Win—what is, in fact, harmonious with our innermost values. And if we can’t make and keep commitments to ourselves as well as to others, our commitments become meaningless. We know it; others know it. They sense duplicity and become guarded. There’s no foundation of trust and Win/Win becomes an ineffective superficial technique. Integrity is the cornerstone in the foundation.”

Personal comments:
Many must not possess the correct “innermost values” since integrity is so hard to find. It is obvious to me that keeping promises and commitments have become meaningless words to too many. Keeping promises and commitments, without respect for others, and ourselves, is unattainable, and the price we are paying is staggering.

My world, and I guess yours is too, is full of examples of the affect this has on us. I realize that there are times, and situations where promises and commitments cannot be kept. My point is the internal motives (lack of respect, values, character) that exist in those who continually void their promises and commitments.

Next: Habit 4
Think Win-Win
Five Dimensions of Win/Win (Part II)

Habit 4, Think Win-Win, Six Paradigms Of Human Interaction-Part II

Author’s quotes:


When two Win/Lose people get together—that is, when two determined, stubborn, ego-invested individuals interact—the result will be Lose/lose. Both will lose. Both will become vindictive and want to ‘get back’ or ‘get even,’ blind to the fact that murder is suicide, that revenge is a two-edged sword.

Lose/Lose is also the philosophy of the highly dependent person without inner direction who is miserable and thinks everyone else should be, too. ‘If nobody ever wins, perhaps being a loser isn’t so bad.’


Another common alternative is simply to think Win. People with the Win mentality don’t necessarily want someone to lose. That’s irrelevant. What matters is that they get what they want.

When there is no sense of contest or competition, Win is probably the most common approach in everyday negotiation. A person with the Win mentality thinks in terms of securing his own ends—and leaving it to others to secure theirs.

Which Option Is Best?

The best choice, then, depends on reality. The challenge is to read that reality accurately and not to translate Win/Lose or other scripting into every situation.

Most situations, in fact, are part of an interdependent reality, and then Win/Win is really the only viable alternative of the five.

Win/Lose is not viable because, although I appear to win in a confrontation with you, your feelings, your attitudes toward me and our relationship have been affected.

If we come up with a Lose/Win, you may appear to get what you want for the moment. But how will that affect my attitude about working with you, about fulfilling the contract?

In the long run, if it isn’t a win for both of us, we both lose. That’s why Win/Win is the only real alternative in interdependent realities.

Win/Win or No Deal

No deal basically means that if we can’t find a solution that would benefit us both, we agree to disagree agreeably—No Deal.

When you have No Deal as an option in your mind, you feel liberated because you have no need to manipulate people, to push your own agenda, to drive for what you want. You can be open. You can really try to understand the deeper issues underling the positions.

Anything less than Win/Win in an interdependent reality is a poor second best that will have impact in the long-term relationship. The cost of that impact needs to be carefully considered. If you can’t reach a true Win/Win, you’re very often better off to go for No Deal.”

Personal comments:

My No Deal example: I met with an individual, I had known for a short time, to discuss a business opportunity. We worked through some details, but when we started discussing an assistant I became squeamish about it. I’m cognizant of my “gut feelings”, and they were strong about this matter. Within a few days No Deal won out, and we went our separate ways.

My Win example: We needed work done on our home, and a company we used before stopped by to evaluate the situation. Their response was wait another year before proceeding.

Over that year the condition of our home deteriorated so I called them at start of the following year. When they arrived to do the work I was given a price that was too high, and it would have been less if they had done the work when asked. The owner, in response, said that he would not charge for some additional work that was needed. This could qualify as a Win, or Win/Win (he got the job, and I got a better deal).

Next: Habit 4
Think Win-Win
Five Dimensions of Win/Win (Part I)

Habit 4, Think Win-Win, Six Paradigms Of Human Interaction-Part I

Author’s quotes:

“Win/Win is not a technique; it’s a total philosophy of human interaction. In fact, it is one of six paradigms of interaction. The alternative paradigms are Win/Lose, Lose/Win, Lose/Lose, Win, and Win/Win or No Deal.


Win/Win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. Win/Win means that agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial, mutually satisfying. With a Win/Win solution, all parties feel good about the decision and feel committed to the action plan. Win/Win sees life as a cooperative, not a competitive arena. Most people tend to think in terms of dichotomies: strong or weak, hardball or softball, win or lose. But that kind of thinking is fundamentally flawed. It’s based on power and position rather than on principle. Win/Win is based on the paradigm that there is plenty for everybody, that one person’s success is not achieved at the expense or exclusion of the success of others.

Win/Win is a belief in the Third Alternative. It’s not your way or my way; it’s a better way, a higher way.

In leadership style, Win/Lose is the authoritarian approach: ‘I get my way; you don’t get yours.’ Win/Lose people are prone to use position, power, credentials, possessions, or personality to get their way.

Most people have been deeply scripted in the Win/Lose mentality since birth. First and most important of the powerful forces at work is the family. When one child is compared with another—when patience, understanding or love is given or withdrawn on the basis of such comparisons—people are into Win/Lose thinking. Whenever love is given on a conditional basis, when someone has to earn love, what’s being communicated to them is that they are not intrinsically valuable or lovable. Value does not lie inside them, it lies outside. It’s in comparison with somebody else or against some expectation.


Some people are programmed the other way (‘I lose, you win’).

Lose/Win is worse than Win/Lose because it has no standards—no demands, no expectations, no vision. People who think Lose/Win are usually quick to please or appease. They seek strength from popularity or acceptance. They have little courage to express their own feelings and convictions and are easily intimidated by the ego strength of others.

Win/Lose people love Lose/Win people because they can feed on them. They love their weaknesses—they take advantage of them. Such weaknesses complement their strengths.

But the problem is that Lose/Win people bury a lot of feelings. And unexpressed feelings never die: they’re buried alive and come forth later in uglier ways.”

Personal comments:

Wouldn’t it be a wonderful thing if those in leadership took to heart these words from Covey, “Win/Win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. Win/Win means that agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial, mutually satisfying,” and applied them.

It would encompass many of the topics I’ve written about, for example; Trust, Open Communication, Expectations, Goals, Basic Principles of Succeeding with People, Respect (now there’s a BIGGY), Commitment, Praise, Recognition, Empowerment (WOW!).

Next: Habit 4
Think Win-Win
Six Paradigms Of Human Interaction-Part II